This thing just keeps taking longer than I thought

I finally was able to have an unhurried phone meeting with my adviser - hallelujah! When I can get a hold of her, she really is helpful.

Maybe too helpful. She had all kinds of comments about stuff I should add, further measurements and tests I need to do. Oh, and it should probably be around 200 pages, at least. I've probably got about 120 right now. Ugh.

As she said, I probably could get it done quickly, if I had to, but she wants me to have "a really kick-ass dissertation" so it's worth taking an extra month to get it done. But I'm fairly certain her one month will at least double, if not turn into August.

I wonder if I told her that I never plan to get a job in linguistics, she'd feel better about it not needing to be completely kick-ass? Somehow I don't think that'd be the best idea.

Quick reminder

I got a friendly email today reminding me that there are only 4 weeks left for thesis submission for a May degree conferral. Ha. That goal went out the window. Now I'm just trying to defend by May!

Writing dreams and writing desperation

I read a literary agent's blog for fun. I daydream about a time when I can write just for fun and become a published author, writing about things that are completely unrelated to this dissertation.

I've wanted to be a writer since grade school (yup, I was that cool), and it wasn't until I got my first B in college in a creative writing class (taught by a teacher that absolutely appalled me) that I thought it might not happen. I promptly gave up my dreams of the next great American novel, eschewed the literature part of my English degree in favor of linguistics, and moved on. And in the process of grad school, discovered something: I really like writing non-fiction. I'm also probably better at writing it than fiction. I love learning, I really like sharing what I've learned, and I've learned how to do that clearly. Score!

How did I get on that tangent?

Anyway, the other day the agent wrote a post about not writing for money (which I don't plan to do), and I was surprised at how much it resonated with my dissertation writing. Of course I'm not making any money off it, but I am approaching it with an almost palpable sense of desperation. She notes:

I've found that when the writing is all mixed up in your mind with a financial need, especially a need that's fraught with anxiety, the writing suffers. Not only that, but the joy is diminished, because the goal has changed (maybe without your even knowing it) from "write a great book" to "pay off my MasterCard."

How do I relate to that?

I've found that when dissertating is all mixed up in your mind with finishing, especially when deadlines are extremely close, the writing suffers. Not only that, but the joy is diminished, because the goal has changed (maybe without your even knowing it) from "write a great dissertation" to "finish the stupid thing."

I imagine most grad students feel this type of desperation at some point or another, and it's a rare grad who is able to balance the desire for perfection (feeling that their dissertation must be their masterpiece) and the desire to move on (feeling that their dissertation is just another hurdle to pass). Most of the time, I'm afraid my desperation shines through to my committee, and I fear that this is a little insulting to them. It's time for me to remember that I can find joy in writing my dissertation.

So today's goal is to rediscover the joy in dissertating. There is some there: the satisfaction of a well-written paragraph, an eye-catching chart, a brilliant point. Today I am focusing on that.

Now taking bets...

On whether my adviser will read the drafts of my first two chapters by the end of the month.

Specifically, by February 26, the degree conferral deadline. If she gets back to me and says they look good, there is hope for actually getting my degree in May! If she doesn't get back to me or says they need more work, I will likely not defend until April - therefore still finishing this spring, but not technically getting my degree 'til December. Either way, I will finish by May, but I'd really like to push and be completely finished by then.

The plan is to call and email my professor every other day, starting Monday. Literally. I contemplated giving her the weekends off, but she might be more likely to read it then, so I probably will continue pestering her. She's told me to do it so many times that I'm really going to take her up on it for the next couple months!

2 pages, 2 hours

That's basically been my rate this week. Each 2 or so page section takes me more or less 2 hours, even though it's already written.

Also, I feel like I'm cutting a lot, which kind of worries me. My adviser actually told me I needed to pad what I'd written! And yet, with this major revision, I feel like it's a stronger paper and I can get rid of several paragraphs, perhaps entire sections. And it's not like it's too short: what was 25 pages (1.5 spaced) is still 18.

Anyway, the chapter is so much better now that I think this is all worthwhile. But this pace is not promising. In an ideal world, I would have revised chapters 1-3 by now. I'm halfway through the first chapter...

Getting down to business

... hasn't happened yet today.

I told myself I was not going to even attempt to catch up on all the blog posts I've missed in the past week or so - I needed to start working immediately. And somehow, 3+ hours later, I still haven't started. Yikes.

What's that you say? Conference looming three days from now, and the poster should really be printed out tomorrow? I can't hear you!

Trip back to school to give a colloquium two weeks from now, and abstract for it due one week from now? La la la, still not listening!

And a personal timeline that states I will send a first draft of my final two chapters to my adviser tomorrow? When she hasn't returned what I sent her a month ago, that's not happening either.

The productivity continues!

I made my goal and got my first two chapters to my adviser by the end of last week - yay! Nothing says "Happy Friday" and "Happy end of the semester" like getting an email with a huge attachment and a desperate plea to read it and get back to me before Christmas!

Now the work continues on my results chapter(s). I'm in contact with friends of my father-in-law, who just happen to be statisticians in the pharmaceutical industry, and who are glad to help me out by looking over my results! Finally! Some much-needed reassurance. I should hear from them soon about my listener results, so I'm trying to get a lot done on my speaker results before that.

Isn't it funny how my productive streak coincides with the time of the year that I would most like to be slacking off? Oh well, gotta strike while the iron's hot!

Agh! It's December!

Just for laughs, I am going to share with you a time table I created in early September. Please note that I realized at the time that it was a bit ambitious, but I was a bit confused on dates, and was terrified that I was going to have to be done a month earlier than I thought. Luckily, I was wrong. I think.

September 25  Send committee statistics results
October 15      Send advisor drafts of Chapters 1-2
November 16  Send advisor drafts of Chapters 3-4
December 14   Ideally send advisor last of chapter drafts (Chapter 5)
January 26       Send final draft to committee
February 23     Tentative defense date
February 25     Degree conferral deadline
                         (This was the deadline I was confused about)
April 22           Last day to submit dissertation
                         (This is actually the one I was thinking about)
May 15            Commencement


Guess how much of that got done?

I have sent one committee member half of my results, and still have more to do. I have sent my advisor one chapter (Chapter 3), which took her a month to look over and tell me it needed a lot of work. I have rough drafts of the first two chapters, but they're very rough.

I might be freaking out. If I'm not, I probably should be.

So let's create a revised timeline, shall we?

December 11   Send advisor drafts of Ch 1-2, plus revised Ch 3
January 6         Send advisor results chapter(s)
January 29       Send advisor last of chapter drafts, plus revised chapters
February 18     Send final draft to committee
February 25     Degree conferral deadline
March 18         Tentative defense date
April 22           Last day to submit dissertation
May 15            Commencement


Why can't I just defend in mid April? Because I'm supposed to allow four weeks after my defense to make any changes the committee suggests, and go about the process of actually getting it copied and produced and whatnot.

Why can't I just send my final draft to the committee the week before my defense? Because I'm supposed to give them four weeks to read it. Yes, they probably won't read it until the day before. But that is irrelevant.

So what does this timeline mean? It means I have to have this thing completely finished by mid February - basically two months. That is actually possible if this process just involved me. But it involves other people. Who take weeks to get back to you. Oh boy.

Perhaps instead of typing on here, I should haul myself back to my real work, huh? Yes.