Writing dreams and writing desperation

I read a literary agent's blog for fun. I daydream about a time when I can write just for fun and become a published author, writing about things that are completely unrelated to this dissertation.

I've wanted to be a writer since grade school (yup, I was that cool), and it wasn't until I got my first B in college in a creative writing class (taught by a teacher that absolutely appalled me) that I thought it might not happen. I promptly gave up my dreams of the next great American novel, eschewed the literature part of my English degree in favor of linguistics, and moved on. And in the process of grad school, discovered something: I really like writing non-fiction. I'm also probably better at writing it than fiction. I love learning, I really like sharing what I've learned, and I've learned how to do that clearly. Score!

How did I get on that tangent?

Anyway, the other day the agent wrote a post about not writing for money (which I don't plan to do), and I was surprised at how much it resonated with my dissertation writing. Of course I'm not making any money off it, but I am approaching it with an almost palpable sense of desperation. She notes:

I've found that when the writing is all mixed up in your mind with a financial need, especially a need that's fraught with anxiety, the writing suffers. Not only that, but the joy is diminished, because the goal has changed (maybe without your even knowing it) from "write a great book" to "pay off my MasterCard."

How do I relate to that?

I've found that when dissertating is all mixed up in your mind with finishing, especially when deadlines are extremely close, the writing suffers. Not only that, but the joy is diminished, because the goal has changed (maybe without your even knowing it) from "write a great dissertation" to "finish the stupid thing."

I imagine most grad students feel this type of desperation at some point or another, and it's a rare grad who is able to balance the desire for perfection (feeling that their dissertation must be their masterpiece) and the desire to move on (feeling that their dissertation is just another hurdle to pass). Most of the time, I'm afraid my desperation shines through to my committee, and I fear that this is a little insulting to them. It's time for me to remember that I can find joy in writing my dissertation.

So today's goal is to rediscover the joy in dissertating. There is some there: the satisfaction of a well-written paragraph, an eye-catching chart, a brilliant point. Today I am focusing on that.

Agh! It's December!

Just for laughs, I am going to share with you a time table I created in early September. Please note that I realized at the time that it was a bit ambitious, but I was a bit confused on dates, and was terrified that I was going to have to be done a month earlier than I thought. Luckily, I was wrong. I think.

September 25  Send committee statistics results
October 15      Send advisor drafts of Chapters 1-2
November 16  Send advisor drafts of Chapters 3-4
December 14   Ideally send advisor last of chapter drafts (Chapter 5)
January 26       Send final draft to committee
February 23     Tentative defense date
February 25     Degree conferral deadline
                         (This was the deadline I was confused about)
April 22           Last day to submit dissertation
                         (This is actually the one I was thinking about)
May 15            Commencement


Guess how much of that got done?

I have sent one committee member half of my results, and still have more to do. I have sent my advisor one chapter (Chapter 3), which took her a month to look over and tell me it needed a lot of work. I have rough drafts of the first two chapters, but they're very rough.

I might be freaking out. If I'm not, I probably should be.

So let's create a revised timeline, shall we?

December 11   Send advisor drafts of Ch 1-2, plus revised Ch 3
January 6         Send advisor results chapter(s)
January 29       Send advisor last of chapter drafts, plus revised chapters
February 18     Send final draft to committee
February 25     Degree conferral deadline
March 18         Tentative defense date
April 22           Last day to submit dissertation
May 15            Commencement


Why can't I just defend in mid April? Because I'm supposed to allow four weeks after my defense to make any changes the committee suggests, and go about the process of actually getting it copied and produced and whatnot.

Why can't I just send my final draft to the committee the week before my defense? Because I'm supposed to give them four weeks to read it. Yes, they probably won't read it until the day before. But that is irrelevant.

So what does this timeline mean? It means I have to have this thing completely finished by mid February - basically two months. That is actually possible if this process just involved me. But it involves other people. Who take weeks to get back to you. Oh boy.

Perhaps instead of typing on here, I should haul myself back to my real work, huh? Yes.

More refreshment

I was feeling a bit stumped this morning, so I went back and looked at my prospectus powerpoint. I have to say, that was a nice-looking presentation. You know when you choose the right colors and formatting and it just looks good?* Ahh.

It was refreshing to look back and really look at the whole big picture, to remember that I am actually interested in this, to remember that I have actually already done a lot of the work, and to realize that this is going to get done and actually not be too bad in the end.

I'm revising my hypotheses. Does that sound bad? Don't worry, I'm not actually changing any aspects of my research or fudging so it sounds like I was going for something different. I just don't like the way I organized my research questions. I feel like if I somehow reorder/rephrase them, they'll fit in with the big picture/theoretical implications better. Now I just have to figure out how to do that.


* In case you're curious, the pptx theme was "Advantage." It definitely ranks as one of my favorites. Not too busy, no lines boxing you in, enough color to be fun but still professional.

"So what do I do now??"

I try to write a tiny bit each day about what I've done that day. Usually I just jot down my thoughts as I'm going through things, so that I can look back and remember why I did something a certain way. Other times I think this might be the start of something brilliant, so I'd better write it down so I don't forget it! Sometimes I just write anything down so that I can pretend I actually did something that day. And finally, many times I just write down my complaints.

Yesterday's note ended with a melodramatic "So what do I do now??"

This morning Soothing Encouraging Me responded to Freaked Out Me.

"What you do now is breathe and reevaluate. Go through and think again about what questions you want your data to answer. Then take a break and work on something else, like writing a different chapter. Then jump back to where you were having difficulties with renewed vigor! You are smarter than this dissertation! You will prevail!"

And yes, I actually wrote that down.

Warning! Danger!

The alarm started buzzing a few weeks ago. Last week it upgraded to a ringing level, but I was able to ignore it with family distractions. This week is has exploded into a piercing siren and I can no longer brush it off.

"YOU ARE BEHIND SCHEDULE!" the voice in my head keeps shrieking. "YOU WILL NEVER FINISH IN MAY IF YOU DON'T PULL IT TOGETHER NOW! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!"

Last night I actually worked after supper.

This doesn't seem like a big deal, I know. I am a student, after all, and doesn't that mean studying at night?

Well, no. At least it doesn't have to. Yes, it did when I was taking classes (although I think that with discipline even then it doesn't have to). But after I was finished with that and could move on to doing my research on my own schedule, I didn't anymore. I started treating my research like a 8-5 job, and it actually worked really well for me. The motivation of spending every evening and most of the weekend relaxing with my then-boyfriend now-husband helped me to really work hard during the day and get stuff done. It also helped that I had an office to go to: once I was on campus, it was basically linguistics time until the 5:00 whistle.

But I am no longer on campus, and working from home has drawbacks along with its benefits. For quite a while now I have been letting other things interfere with my work day, to the point where I now spend more time blogging, working out, cooking, reading, doing devotionals, and grocery shopping than actually dissertating. This has got to stop.

Ideally this will make me start using my time more wisely and I can go back to having a disciplined work day. But with a conference next weekend (!) that I have not yet made my poster for (!!), I'm seeing more evening work in my future. Ugh.

But once that is over, here is what I'd like my schedule to look like. I've got high hopes that it will be a really good and productive routine. The key will be keeping myself off the internet once 10:00 rolls around, even if I didn't get to read/write all the blog posts I wanted or look at so-and-so's new facebook photo album.

8:00-8:30 Prayer/devotional time
8:30-9:00 Run
9:00-10:00 Shower and Internet time
10:00-4:30 Research!
4:30 Reward with more internet if was productive
5:00 Start supper

I thought I'd be done with this a month ago

Actually, my plan was to be finished with data gathering and statistics by the end of August. Data gathering was done. Statistics still are not. Who knew they'd be this much work?

I do have to say I'm learning a lot. Depending on what I do after graduation, that may or may not ever come in handy for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll tell myself that I'm not just learning about specific tests, but learning valuable lessons in perseverance.

I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, though. I found a trial version of SPSS that I can put on my old laptop. So today I created a bunch of data files and put them on my jump disk, so first thing tomorrow I can plug those in and start testing! I'm hoping I can finish that all in one day, so I can type it up on Friday and send it on out to my committee members. Time is getting short after all!

One chapter down, five to go!

Kinda.

This morning I finished the draft of my methodology chapter (which was basically copy/pasting from my prospectus, changing fonts, and slightly updating). It's not perfect, but it does feel nice to have that done! I haven't decided yet if I should go ahead and send it to my adviser or wait until I have another chapter also. I think I'll wait for now - there's too much unfinished (links to the unwritten chapter containing my hypotheses, for example).

Now to figure out what to do next. I mean, I have all kinds of other things I could to do next - go to the gym, workout, have lunch, run to the grocery store, read this other book that I'm really enjoying... But back to the dissertating part.

I really really really want to get my statistical tests done. As soon as I've got that, everything else can fall into place. I'll have results and then I can figure out what they mean theoretically. I'll have beautiful charts to send my committee. But I'm waiting on a book in the mail and/or an email response.

For a minute there I thought I was gonna get away with calling it quits for the day. But after reviewing my outline, I've found more writing I can do - hello pilot studies.

And good-bye internet.